Satan Aborts Spider-Man's Baby

This is written with a fairly serious comics fan in mind, so those of you who are behind on your reading, have a Wikipedia tab open on your browser.

Those of you who are comics-savvy will recognize the title as a reference to One More Day, a completely awful Spider-Man story, which I hope will be forever remembered as Satan aborting Spider-Man’s baby. There’s already been reams of analysis of how absolutely terrible and ill-planned this story was by people much more talented and articulate than I, so I’ll just boil down a few of my objections to it:

• Peter is portrayed as an immature character, but from the very first comics he was thinking of marriage, money and taking care of his aunt. The idea that he would abandon a future, a child, and his wife of many years that he truly loved in favor of moving back in with his elderly aunt who constantly has one foot in the grave is so out of character that it blows my mind.
• This is a trend with Marvel. Look at Johnny Storm. Almost every new author gives him a “coming of age” story (aka a terrible, lazy, clichéd excuse for character development that I will rant about in more detail at a future date), completely forgetting that he was married and expecting a child at one point. Guess what happened? Lyja the Skrull conveniently disappeared (yes, she was a Skrull, but he loved her even after that revelation) and their child was retconned out of existence. Johnny was a grownup. Now his own sister calls him Paris Hilton. They got away with it with a B-list character and now they got away with it with an A-list character. And now it will never stop. Kiss your character growth goodbye, people.
• THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON’T TAKE COMICS SERIOUSLY. Every time you spit on characterization, TWENTY YEARS of continuity and any conventions of good storytelling in favor of the almighty status quo, you demean all comics. I know comics fans. We’re prone to a bit of exaggeration. But Joe Quesada is literally and without hyperbole dragging the entire medium down to the level of children’s stories solely to pursue an irrational personal agenda.
• My father and mother are middle-aged comics fans. Comics are a constant presence in my life. I don’t even know what it’s like to not read comics. Whenever I talk about them with a non-fan, I have to stop for a moment to try and figure out if they’d recognize a certain character or plot. I buy issues and then I buy trades. I easily become obsessed with characters (as the second part of this article will reveal), authors (ask me about Brian K. Vaughan!) and artists (I would probably buy a Wolverine comic with a Jo Chen cover JO CHEN I LOVE YOU). One More Day (and Civil War and Secret Invasion and almost all post-Alias Bendis… I could go on) makes me want to give up superheroes forever.

But as I said, ranting about One More Day isn’t new. Ranting about Cassie Lang is.

After a brief field trip to Wikipedia, I can tell you where she originated. In 1979, Scott Lang was introduced. He’d spent three years in jail for theft and was released for good behavior. He was totally devoted to his daughter, Cassie Lang. Unfortunately, she got sick with a heart condition. Scott stole the Ant-Man equipment to rescue a kidnapped doctor who could save her life. Scott then got into the Avengers and had an obscure career where he fought the Taskmaster repeatedly.

Cassie spent lots of this time getting kidnapped or hanging out with superheroes. At one point, she apparently had some kind of adolescent romance with Kristoff, some kid who thought he was Doctor Doom or something. It was some weird Fantastic Four thing—not my area of expertise. Eventually, Cassie’s mom and her stepdad got full custody. Cassie snuck away to visit her dad until Scarlet Witch sicced Exploding Zombie Jack of Hearts on him after Bendis drove her crazy. Scott Lang died in a pointless, tragic death and Cassie apparently had to spend some time stalking Iron Man to get an explanation of what exactly happened.

This is where Young Avengers comes in.

Cassie had a screaming fight with her mom and stepdad and ran away from home. She ended up seeing the original Young Avengers team (Iron Lad/Young Kang, Billy, Teddy and Iron Lad) on the news, where they spectacularly failed to resolve a hostage crisis at a posh wedding. They had to be rescued by a bridesmaid, Kate, stabbing a guy with one of Eli’s random shuriken (seriously, the hell? Beginner’s luck doesn’t apply to ninja stars). Cassie goes to talk to Kate at the hospital where the wedding guests were taken. The two go to the burnt-out hull of Avenger’s mansion to get Cassie’s dad’s gear. Turns out that hanging around Pym particles has mutated Cassie to the point where she can shrink or grow at will.

Some other stuff happens that I won’t get into here, but Cassie and Young Kang kiss a couple times after knowing each other for a few hours in the middle of a crisis. Oh, teenagers. Cassie joins the team and they have adventures for a few issues. In case you’re wondering, I’m not going to continue reviewing Young Avengers—it was just taking too long and I didn’t have the motivation. This is the last article that’ll be about them unless something about them catches my attention.

Anyway, Civil War happens. Basically, some supervillain blew up an entire town including an elementary school. The government asks superheroes to register. Half of the superheroes decide to slavishly obey the government, put those who disagree in a hellish Negative Zone gulag after having them hunted down by brain-chipped supervillains (Bullseye once killed a church full of nuns) and create a murderous clone of Thor whose brains they scoop out and replace with robot parts. The rest decide to go into hiding and randomly pounce on supervillains and raid the Negative Zone gulag once. They make one attempt to get an interview with a reporter (Sally Floyd, dumbest bitch in the Marvel Universe, who refuses the interview on moral principles because she’s an awful, awful reporter), but otherwise don’t try to sway public opinion at all.

At first, the Young Avengers are all anti-registration. Then there’s a huge pro-reg ambush and Bill Foster, the other anti-reg giant, gets an enormous hole blown into his chest by Clone Thor. The anti-regs are about to be killed en masse and only avoid death because Sue Richards is awesome. They had to leave Bill’s body. He couldn’t be shrunk down, so he was buried in a tarp and chains and a huge hole in the ground. For some reason, Cassie defects that night.

When the rebel Avengers invade the Negative Zone gulag, Cassie fights on the pro-reg side. By the way, one of the main arguments for pro-regs is that they would keep inexperienced, vulnerable, younger heroes out of danger. No comment.

After Civil War finally ends, Avengers: The Initiative begins. This is a huge boot camp for newby supers in the same town where the supervillain supernova that started Civil War happened (Stamford). Some of the other Young Avengers are there, but there’s really no rhyme, reason or explanation for who ends up there and why. In the first issue of A:I, a recruit is accidentally killed and his death is covered up. An ex-Nazi hired by pro-regs decides to clone him. One of the clones merges with a piece of alien technology and rampages through the camp, killing and maiming many. Stamford: Where Children Go To Die.

But before that happens, two or three incidents involving Cassie occur.

In Ms. Marvel, the Puppetmaster started abducting women and selling them as slaves out of a compound in South America. The normal women were obviously being sold as sex slaves, but he was also selling superheroes for unnamed purposes. Cassie was one of them. She spent days, if not weeks, serving the Puppetmaster and being shown off in front of potential buyers. When Ms. Marvel’s sidekick got kidnapped and Ms. Marvel went to investigate, Cassie was sent to fight her as a giant. During this fight, Cassie got a car thrown at her face. It didn’t faze her. Eventually, she was knocked out and rescued with the other women. There is absolutely no mention of anyone missing her or wondering where she went. I guess the Puppetmaster’s only mistake was kidnapping a girl people actually cared about.

In an issue of A:I, Eric O’Grady, the awesomely amoral new Ant-Man, is sent to Stamford and trained by Taskmaster—remember, I mentioned that he fought Scott Lang? Taskmaster remembered too, because he asked O’Grady if he’s Scott Lang. O’Grady quickly says no and makes up some entertaining lies about Lang to get on Tasky’s good side (namely, that he wasn’t a real Avenger and would spy on women in the shower with his powers). Cassie hears this (by the way, she recognized Taskmaster and seems surprised that there were supervillains at the camp, so I guess that was the first she’d heard about the pro-reg’s questionable hiring practices).

She reacts by yelling, “STOP TELLING LIES ABOUT MY DAD!” and trying to STOMP HIM TO DEATH. Okay, what he said about her dead father was horrible, but… she tries to KILL HIM. She’s unsuccessful, of course, and a giant fight ensues. O’Grady distracts her by yelling “Oh, the humanity! You just stepped on Stingray!” and clobbers her in the face with a bus. I would say Vehicles 2, Cassie 0, but the fact that she doesn’t have a nose like a boxer and shrapnel scars makes me think it’s more of a tie. Anyway, Hank Pym steps in, but before we can have a three-way giant fight (and Cassie can get a hit in) Taskmaster incapacitates all three of them.

Vision’s issue of the Young Avengers miniseries involves him sneaking Cassie out of the camp by posing as Tony Stark and taking her on a date. Young Vision has nothing in common with Old Vision besides appearance, name and operating system. He’s based off of Young Kang’s brainwaves and made out of his armor. He takes the name Jonas to assert his independence. Since he’s based off of Young Kang, he has a crush on Cassie and successfully achieves boyfriend/girlfriend status in this issue. Cassie is still very pro-reg in this issue and apparently returns to the camp.

In Cassie’s issue of the Young Avengers miniseries, she’s back in New York with her mom and stepdad, so I would place it after the disaster with the clone at the camp. Tensions are high. She has another screaming fight, storms out, and promptly gets into a giant fight with the Growing Man, who falls onto her stepdad. She goes… somewhere, I think back to her house, and calls Kate in tears without explaining the situation. Kate gets there and Cassie is totally catatonic and steadily shrinking. When Kate has to get a microscope to see her, she calls Eli and Billy. Since Kate hasn’t been able to snap her out of it, Billy shrinks Eli down. Cassie tells Eli about the fight. He manages to snap her out of it (by yelling, of course—what, did you expect something original?) and she goes and talks to her mom. Cassie’s stepdad is in a coma and might be paralyzed when he wakes up. Cassie and her mom hug and make up and agree to work on their relationship more.

In Kate’s issue of the Young Avengers miniseries, it’s mentioned in passing that Kate and Cassie are back to being confidants and Cassie has been regularly spending time with Jonas. In summary:

• A large portion of her childhood was spent with her dad in jail or in the hospital, dying.
• She had several doomed romances with future supervillains.
• She was forcibly separated from her beloved superhero dad.
• Her dad died pointlessly. She had to stalk Tony Stark to find out why.
• She had regular screaming fights with her mom and stepdad.
• She tried to run away from home
• She dropped out of school to become a fugitive from the law
• She joined up with the law and was conscripted into the army (a generous estimation of her age is FIFTEEN) and had to fight her best friends (also, her mom hates superheroes, so she basically had nowhere to go for sympathy or understanding)
• She was kidnapped and enslaved by Puppetmaster and almost got sold, POSSIBLY AS A SEX SLAVE
• She heard two guys laughing about how her dead dad sucked, TRIED TO KILL A MAN, and was humiliatingly beaten down by him and a supervillain who’d fought her dad
• She was at the camp when a clone went on a rampage and killed or maimed dozens of people
• She had even more screaming fights with her mom and stepdad
• She accidentally crippled her stepdad

Even accounting for the fact that she apparently made up with her friends offscreen, is getting regular robo-makeouts and has a better relationship with her mom, Cassie should be one huge ball of neuroses. Her life was degenerating into a horrible, sucking black hole of pain and misery. To the credit of the man who wrote her issue of the miniseries, her “epiphany therapy” isn’t portrayed as a cure-all… she and her mom don’t immediately have a perfect relationship, they just understand each other better, and her stepdad is still seriously injured.

However. If Young Avengers ever rises from the grave and has another ongoing series, I will bet you one million Internet dollars that over half the issues with her life that I listed will be dropped forever. The original series had her stepdad bringing up Scott’s time in jail, but the problems with having an ex-con father will never be explored. Her running away from home (okay, it was for a day, but still) was only mentioned in passing and will never be mentioned again. Her GOING TO BOOT CAMP AT FIFTEEN WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MARVEL will only be mentioned as part of issues with her leaving the team for pro-regs, if at all, and the full mental and emotional implications of her GOING TO BOOT CAMP AT FIFTEEN YEARS OLD will be dropped. Her being kidnapped and enslaved by Puppetmaster will never be mentioned. The fact that she TRIED TO KILL A STRANGER, albeit one who insulted her dad, will never be mentioned. The continuity issues—when was she at the camp? When did she make up with her friends? How mad were they at her? Did she go home after the Puppetmaster thing or after the clone rampage thing? Did anyone care that she went missing for god knows how long?

Before she and Jonas started going out (which I’m okay with) I was hoping that she and Young Kang would have this awesomely messed up, totally unhealthy relationship where they would drag each other down into immaturity and immorality. I mean, I knew it would never happen, but a geek can dream, right? I’m overcritical of every fictional relationship ever, so intentionally horrible relationships of mutual destruction make me happy. I also had this idea, based off of her trying to kill that guy that one time, that she couldn't vent her stress with her friends or family because of her issues with them so she was resorting to violence and picking fights. Whatever, neither of those ideas were going to happen anyway.

But pipe dreams aside, let’s face it: the only issue anyone will ever remember is “Didn’t she have a dead dad? Okay, that’s her characterization, let’s call it a day.” Maybe, if we’re very lucky, they’ll remember that she turned pro-reg before any of her teammates (some of whom are still anti-reg, though fucking Marvel has never made it clear which ones). Because the minor characters get no love. Because Marvel only cares about constantly having A-list characters making drama, only to forget it for the next big event. Isaac Asimov once had a theory that short-term change gives the illusion of long-term permanence—spring follows winter follows fall follows summer, and so it must’ve always been that way. Marvel is doing the opposite of this. They’re using short-term change to give the illusion of long-term change, when really nothing ever changes at all. Meanwhile, minor characters like Cassie are put through the wringer and have their lives uprooted, only for it to be forgotten because they don’t have a home title and the people who want to use them as a guest-star can’t be bothered to figure out where they’re supposed to be and if they ever do get a title… seriously, are you expecting someone at Marvel to read some back issues? Really?

Her teammate, Tommy, is similarly mischaracterized. He’s supposed to be mentally unstable. Did you miss the part where he had to be stopped from murdering his scientist captors and exploded some Skrulls into a fine mist before knowing they’d regenerate? Apparently Bendis did, because Secret Invasion wouldn’t exist without a Skrull dying from being STABBED IN THE CHEST.

But there’s still a spot of optimism. Notable exceptions: Robert Kirkman loves to create his own little playgrounds, where each character is lovingly crafted, given a logical arc of growth, and continuity makes perfect sense. Loners, a miniseries by Cebulski, digs into the backstories of a handful of D- and Z-listers to carry on plot points from years ago and preserve their characterization. There are others.

Still, the heartbreak of One More Day and Johnny Storm and Cassie and Tommy lingers on.

Five Reasons Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Is Actually Good

I can hear it now. "But Bradbury! Terminator is a good but fairly mindless action movie that can't possibly be translated into a coherent, enjoyable television show! This is on the same level as Flash Gordon! It doesn't even have Schwarzenegger!"

That's exactly what I thought going in. I was fully expecting campy sci-fi action with a robot-of-the-week plot mixed in with whiny, soap opera characters. You know what? I was wrong. Mostly. I'm afraid I've only seen up to the episode Heavy Metal (the fourth one), but it does seem to be slipping into the robot-of-the-week plot. Even though it hasn't slipped into a tired formula yet, it still takes the impact out of time travel and has the potential to introduce some nasty plot holes.

But even with these downsides, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is actually worth watching. I'm not claiming it's fine art, but it's one of my favorite shows right now. There are five main reasons why.

1. SARAH CONNOR

In a lot of fiction, the story begins with the main character learning that they're destined to be the king or that they have magical powers or there are robots from the future coming to attack them. They proceed to whine, bitch, and moan about it for much too long. It is annoying.

This is not how Sarah Connor works. She's a seasoned veteran who's lived with her sucky life for years now. She's used to it and has responded by becoming a paranoid badass. That's not to say that Sarah has no internal conflicts—like I said, she's paranoid and has issues with how far she can or should go to prevent the rise of the machines, plus she just found out she died of cancer in an alternate future. But she's also competent, proactive, clever, and really good with a gun.

Even without the Terminator tie-in, I'd watch this show for Sarah Connor. In one of my favorite scenes with her, the show's good Terminator, Cameron, is about to kill a police officer. Cameron was waiting outside a house with their car while Sarah meets with gang members to get fake IDs. The cop goes up to her and explains how gang members will hide their drugs in a stolen car with a guard loitering nearby. He prepares to take her in for questioning and she prepares to snap his neck like a twig. Luckily for the cop, Sarah is a great improviser and liar. She comes running up, starts ranting at her "stepdaughter" for hanging out in gang territory, and saves the day single-handedly using her powers of lying without hesitation.

The only bad thing I can think of about her is that she monologues every episode. Still, compared to Heroes' Mohinder monologues, hers are Shakespeare. They're usually relevant to the episode, are accompanied by interesting visuals and are about Oppenheimer or the original golem story instead of crap like the 10% brain myth.

2. JOHN CONNOR

John Connor isn't a warrior like his mother. He's still a teenager and he doesn't like his destiny. He goes to school and angsts about things. I think I recall him using a gun a few times, but he uses them fairly infrequently.

But even though he's not a warrior, John is more proactive than his mother in some ways. She may shoot at the Terminators, but usually while running away from them. He's the one who pushes to fight the future and keep Judgment Day from happening. In the first few episodes, he said this in a way that sounded an awful lot like "Mom, make it go away!", but he's starting to want to become the leader he's supposed to be—even if he's not sure how to do that yet.

He's an idealistic boy trying to become a hero while his two cynical companions try to keep him alive. Handled well, this arc of growth and coming of age could be truly epic.

One interesting aspect of John's story is what's going on in his high school. Mysterious murals began to appear on the walls. They're drawings of a door that gradually gained more detail, until it showed the door slightly open with blonde hair showing and a bra on the knob. Apparently, this revealed a secret that some blonde girl had. She has a breakdown in the bathroom with Cameron. Later, Cameron and John join a crowd in the parking lot and realize they're looking at her on the roof of a tall building. As Cameron holds back a horrified John, the girl jumps to her death. I was surprised the show had the guts to do it—they even had a student sarcastically yelling "Jump!" moments before her suicide.

In the next episode, John is seen thinking about it and he risks his life to strike a major blow against the Terminators. The secret of the girl and the murals is still up in the air and will clearly be a continuing subplot. I, personally, love this take on the high school hero. The events at his school are dramatic but not fantastical and they seriously impact his character without consuming the show.

3. ACTION

Apparently, one of the best ways to identify Terminators is that they don't look both ways before crossing the street. The few robots that appeared have been hit with a truly ridiculous number of vehicles in just four episodes and I love it. In one scene, Sarah steals a motorcycle, rides it towards a Terminator, and turns it sharply to the side while jumping off. The bike skids several yards towards the Terminator and hits its legs in a shower of sparks and shrapnel. The show doesn't have the relentless chases of the Terminator movies, but it's still full of gunshots, explosions, fistfights and the occasional car chase.

4. TERMINATORS ARE ACTUALLY ROBOTS

I find Cameron, who is as close to a good Terminator as Terminators can get, awkward and literal without being unbelievably naïve. In her first appearance, she had a brief conversation with John while posing as a human student. I've seen people on some forums complaining that she sounded much too human in this exchange compared to how she talks later. I disagree. In that scene and later ones, she only sounded marginally better than Alice. I'd also like to take this opportunity to share with you all a quote from one of my favorite forums:

"Rather than being like Buffy, huddled in the dank and dusty library with her trusty cohorts every day, I think it would be hilarious if Cameron inadvertently ended up becoming the Cordelia of the school: her tactlessness and thoughtlessness would probably be interpreted by high school girls as confidence and bitchiness, two qualities that any queen bee must have in abundance. After all, the loner-girl-as-superhero has pretty much become a cliche; the idea of the most popular girl in school being, in reality, a robotic assassin sent from the future to save the world--this I have not seen. And this I would like to see. If only to see John and Sarah's reactions."
--tze

But I digress. In one scene, the heroic trio were looking around an apartment inhabited by a team of humans from the future. The time travellers had been trying to find Skynet and all but one were killed by a Terminator. Cameron tries to rip open the safe, but they'd set a trap and she's knocked out. Terminators take fifteen seconds to reboot, but John and Sarah don't have that time because the Terminator that killed the hunting party is clomping up to the apartment. John starts trying to carry Cameron out to the fire escape. Sarah stops him, puts Cameron on a rolling office chair, and launches it out of the window. Whether it's moments like these, gratuitious displays of Terminator strength, awkward ways of speech, total lack of ethics or the fantastic acting of Summer Glau, Cameron is a robot from artificial skin to metal skeleton, and this show never lets you forget it.

The same goes for the villains. This show is exploring the different aspects of Terminators that the movies never got the opportunity to. What happens when a Terminator completes its mission? What if it needs to hide, but its skin was destroyed? The answer to that last question is particularly good. The main Terminator antagonist, Cromartie, loses his entire skin and his head is separated from his body. His body gets up and disguises itself from head to toe. It sticks a decapitated head on its shoulders and puts on a motorcycle helmet over it. Yes, that actually happened. Disappointingly, the head and body were shortly reunited and Cromartie went on to get his skin. He gives a formula for artificial skin and blood to a scientist who has the equipment to make it. After getting the skin, Cromartie resembles a hideously disfigured human. He kills the scientist and takes his eyes.

I've heard people complain about why he would do that to someone who would create the technology Terminators would need. I'd like to remind those people that when the scientist saw the formula, he muttered things like "[My colleague] was close… [other guy] was closer…". The scientist wasn't the best man in his field.

Anyway, Cromartie also needs to get plastic surgery to make his skin presentable. It's fascinating watching him create this new identity and serves a purpose: it creates a trail for the FBI character to follow. This show has a lot going on and it's all tied together.

5. TERMINATOR III HAS BEEN RETCONNED OUT OF EXISTENCE

That movie sucked.

The Beginning of the End

Lost Season 4 begun last night after months of waiting and problems resulting from the writer’s strike. Was it worth the trouble? I’m not sure.

“The Beginning of the End” begins with a pile of fruit. There’s just a pile of fruit, innocently sitting there, minding their own business. And then a speeding car runs through them. Poor pile of fruit. Their life was so short.

Police cars chase the speeding Camaro through the streets. We see a man watching the car chase on the news… and it’s revealed to be Jack, who seems annoyed. Minus the beard. He looks better without that freaky beard.

The police eventually catch up to the car and order the driver to get out of the car. We slowly see the person emerge… and it’s Hurley. The police tell him to get on the ground, but he makes a run for it. As you can imagine, he doesn’t get very far before he’s pushed into a wall and handcuffed. As they pull him away, he shouts, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m one of the Oceanic Six!”

And then the LOST title appears.

Okay, small interruption. What exactly is happening here? It’s obviously not happening on the island, because of all of the cars, the police, Hurley running away from the police, Jack watching the car chase on the news… it’s definitely happening in the outside world. But it’s not a flashback. Jack knows its Hurley in the car. This means that the two have met. Where did they meet? They were both survivors of Flight 815, a plane which crashed on a mysterious island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

This scene is a flashforward. And we better get used to them.

The idea of a flashforward on Lost first appeared during the Season 3 finale. Throughout the 2 hours, we kept flashing back (or forward, I guess) to Jack back in the “real world,” who was addicted to drugs and trying to cope with being a “hero.” At the end, we see Jack meet up with fellow survivor Kate, and it’s revealed that this is taking place AFTER they get off the island. This was a big burst of excitement in the fan community, because let’s face it; the flashbacks were getting quite old. Did we really need to see how Jack got his first car?

Flashforwards are going to be everywhere in Season 4, and possibly in the further two seasons. In fact, I think they’re going to be more important than what’s currently going on at the island.

From the first episode of Season 4, we know that there are six people that get off the island (Oceanic Six). We know they’re covering something up (they keep lying). We know there’s something else going on (the mysterious Oceanic Airlines attorney who shows up at the mental institute).

Lost has always had lots of questions. Now, with the flashforwards, I think we’re about to get some more answers. Hopefully.

Going back to Lost, after the title pops up, we go back to Hurley in an interrogation room, who is being questioned by Ana-Lucia’s old partner. We see what started off the car chase: Hurley is in a convenience store, minding his own business, when he suddenly freezes. He sees something. And then runs, destroying half the store in the process.

The cop goes on to talk about Ana-Lucia, about how she was on Flight 815, just like Hurley. He suggests that Hurley knew her. Hurley lies and says he didn’t.

He is left alone in the room to watch the video. He looks into the small panel of glass. There is water outside. A figure swims towards him, which looks a lot like Charlie. He presses his hand against the glass and it breaks. Water pours in and Hurley screams. The cop comes back in and the water disappears. He asks what Hurley is doing and that he’ll put him in a mental home if he needs to. Hurley hugs the cop and thanks him.

And then we’re back on the island. Hurley is talking to Jack on the walkie-talkie and Jack tells him how they’ve contacted the freighter and that they’re all going to get rescued. He does an awesome wink at Ben, who is still bleeding and tied to a tree.

Kate approaches Jack and wonders why Locke would kill Naomi. Jack doesn’t know, but if Locke interferes again, Jack will kill him.

Sun, Claire and Rose have a womanly chat about their partners and having babies in hospitals.

Ben whispers to Rousseau. He wants her to take his daughter as far away as possible because everyone that stays there is going to die. Rousseau hits him and simply responds by telling him that Alex isn’t his daughter. We see a shot of Naomi with the knife in her back.

We cut back to the beach, where Juliet is digging graves while Sawyer drinks beer. Hurley tells Bernard that he was a millionaire and how when they get rescued he’s going to be free. He then runs toward the ocean and does a cannonball and everyone is glad he kept his clothes on.

When he comes back to the surface, he notices Desmond arriving back on the boat thing. Desmond tells them that Jack can’t contact the boat because Naomi was a liar. Everyone questions him continuously until Hurley asks where Charlie is. Desmond says he’s sorry and calls him a brother like always. Everyone is sad because Charlie is dead.

Jack gets a call from the guy on the freighter (who has a different voice from the finale). He wants to talk to Naomi. Jack makes up an excuse because Naomi is dead, but they can’t find the body. Jack asks Ben where she is, and Ben mocks him by saying he doesn’t know.

Back at the beach, everyone questions what Charlie’s last message means (“Not Penny’s Boat”). Sayid says they can’t contact Jack because the freighter people might be monitoring their transmissions. Hurley throws the walkie-talkie into the water, solving none of their problems. He then tells them they better get going.

Rousseau tells Jack she found a blood trail and suggests they go find her. Jack wants to take Ben with him because he doesn’t trust him but we don’t know exactly what Ben did to Jack while he was with the Others so the two might be having an affair behind Kate’s back. Jack tells the rest of the people to go back to the beach and wait for rescue. Kate tells Kate she found another trail, but Jack says he’s going with Rousseau. He tells Kate to lead the people back to the beach. They hug, while Ben watches.

The people at the beach all grab guns and head off while Hurley has a flashforward. He’s back in the mental institute; taking meds and playing connect four. He is informed he has a visitor, a mysterious black man. He says he’s an attorney for Oceanic Airlines and wants to talk. He talks for a bit about how Oceanic want to put Hurley in an improved facility where he could see the ocean, but Hurley doesn’t want to see the ocean. Hurley says he’s fine where he is, but the attorney asks if he’s really fine in a creepy way. Hurley asks for a business card but the attorney says he’s left them at home. Hurley stands up and the attorney asks if they’re still alive. Hurley begins to shout and the attorney disappears.

While the beach people walk through the jungle, Sawyer approaches Hurley and asks him if he wants to talk about Charlie. Hurley dismisses him and falls behind. He’s sad. Poor Hurley. His life really sucks.

He wanders through the jungle for a few seconds and realizes he’s lost. He comes across a mysterious house which appears to be Jacob’s hut. Whispers can be heard. Hurley is worried.

Rousseau, Jack and Ben follow the trail and it’s a dead end. Ben mocks Jack again. Jack looks for the phone but it’s missing. Ben says he saw Kate take the phone and is following the other trail. Jack continues to lead Ben around like a pet. Hot.

Kate, wandering through the jungle on her own (why won’t they learn?) receives a phone call from the freighter. They ask where Naomi is and Kate says they’re looking for her and quickly hangs up. Blood begins to drip on her and Naomi leaps out of a tree and puts a knife to Kate’s throat. She demands the phone. She just spent the last three days trying to get everyone rescued and in return got a knife in the back. I’d be pissed too.

The phone rings again. Naomi grabs the phone and answers it. She talks to the guy on the freighter (George) and fiddles with the phone. She tells George to tell her sister that she loves her. She then apparently dies.

Hurley approaches Jacob’s hut and looks in the window. There’s a torch on the table and a strange painting of a dog (Vincent?) on the wall. A rocking chair begins to creak and an outline of a person resembling Christian Shepherd can be seen. An unknown face suddenly pops up in front of the window (some say it’s Locke, but I don’t think so) causing Hurley to stumble backwards and away from the hut. He drops his torch and runs through the jungle… only to come back to the hut. He closes his eyes and convinces himself there’s nothing there. When he opens them, the hut’s gone. He falls back and finds John Locke standing above him.

Locke gives him some water and asks him questions. Locke asks about Charlie’s message and Hurley says that Jack shouldn’t have called the freighter. Locke agrees and tells Hurley that the two of them are going to have to talk Jack out of getting everyone rescued. If they can’t, Charlie died for nothing.

Hurley and Locke find the rest of the people from the beach waiting at the cockpit wreckage. Sayid asks what Locke is doing there (because Locke got to eat chicken and blow up submarines while Sayid was tied to a swing set for three days). Locke says they need to warn Jack about the people on the boat. He wants support. Something approaches and everyone prepares to kill. It’s the rest of the survivors. Sun runs up to Jin and hugs him. Rose does the same to Bernard. Sawyer looks for Kate. Claire looks for Charlie. Desmond approaches Claire to tell her what happened to Charlie, but Hurley does it instead. He cries. It’s sad. Poor Hurley.

We go back to the institute where Hurley is painting a picture. Some random guy comes up to Hurley and tells him there’s a guy staring at him. Hurley looks around and sees… Charlie! Charlie tells Hurley not to run away. It’s revealed that Hurley ran from the store because he saw Charlie. Charlie slaps Hurley to prove that he’s there, and the two sit down and have a chat. Charlie tells Hurley he has to do something. Hurley closes his eyes and counts to five while Charlie repeatedly states that they need Hurley. When he opens his eyes, Charlie is gone.

Hurley and Claire continue to cry. Rousseau and Ben appear, followed by Jack who immediately punches Locke. The two fumble over a gun until Jack grabs it and points it at Locke’s head. Locke tells Jack he’s not going to shoot him and Jack pulls the trigger. It’s not loaded. Jack continues to punch Locke and is pulled away.

Locke explains that all he has ever done has been in the best interest of everyone. Jack asks him if it’s insane. They argue about Naomi and Kate appears. She hands Jack back the phone and explains that the freighter people are coming. Locke says they need to get far away from here. He plans to head to the Barracks because they’ve been abandoned and have protection (remember that cool sonic fence?). Locke tells everyone that if they want to live, they’ll have to come with him. Jack says no one will go with Locke because they’re not crazy. Hurley interrupts and tells everyone about Charlie and about how he warned everyone about the people on the boat. Hurley says he’s not going to listen to Jack and stands with Locke. The large group of people begin to separate. Claire and some nameless people join Locke. Rousseau and Ben join as well, followed by Alex and Karl. Bernard and Rose agreed that they’ll never leave the island but decide to stay with Jack. Kate watches Sawyer go with Locke and asks him what’s doing. Sawyer says he’s doing what he’s always done… surviving. It begins to rain. Locke’s group disappears into the jungle while Jack’s group watches.

Back at the institute, Hurley is shooting hoops. Jack enters the gym and challenges him to a game. The two discuss surgical stuff and reporters. Jack wants to grow a beard. Hurley says he’d look weird with a beard. I think everyone agrees. Hurley wants to know why Jack is really here. Jack says he’s checking on him. Hurley suggests that’s he nuts and that he’s going to tell. Jack asks if he is going to tell. Hurley doesn’t answer. Jack leaves. Hurley shouts he’s sorry that he went with Locke and how he should have stayed with Jack. He says that “it” wants them to go back and Jack says they’re never going back. Hurley tells him to never say never.

Jack and Kate wait at the cockpit for their visitors. They remember Charlie. Kate comments on the thunder, but it’s not thunder. A helicopter approaches. People parachute from the helicopter and Jack and Kate run to meet one. They come across a strange, bearded man who asks Jack if he’s Jack.

And then it ends. It’s a pretty good episode. Lost premieres are normally kind of weak (mainly because they focus on Jack) but this one was a bit of an improvement. However, the cliffhanger was rather disappointing. We knew people were going to land on the island. So?

But… it’s still new Lost. And that’s always good. I’m still worried about the flashforwards and how much they’ll reveal, but I can cope. Hopefully.

Martial Arts should be realistic!

When it comes to just about any sort of geeky medium, if there's something that sells, it's fight scenes. My friends are pretty unanimous in having 300 listed as their favorite movie. Which is, of course, just one big fight scene. With a rape scene thrown in. In fact, even the Political scenes had stabbing in them. There are two reasons why my “friends” would be so fond of this movie; either it's because they're idiotic, testosterone-driven teenagers, or it's because fight scenes sell.

More often than not, a Martial Art or two is included. Of course, in most of these scenarios, the Martial Art is done almost no justice and it's all thrown away in favor of gratuitous fanservice. Realism is traded in for the ridiculous fantasies of men and women (who liken themselves to “Writers”, I guess) that include post-human stunts with no real explanation.

I think that the worst perpetrator here is this anime and manga stuff that's becoming so popular over here in the states. The Japanese stuff. It goes without saying that there are exceptions, but, while I am not opposed to the idea of Magical Karate, I would like to see some realistic magical karate. That is, characters who cannot inexplicably jump ten stories high or seemingly have superhuman strength. I go to Rurouni Kenshin for my first example; it was a cartoon that I liked back in middle school. And it was a waste of my time. Kenshin, who appeared to be a normal human, could could preform stunts that would ignore just about everything established by physics and human potential.

Comicbook superheroes have an excuse, at least, I guess; Superman is the last son of krypton. Whatever pseudo-science reasoning you attach to it, he's still supposed to be an Alien who can fly and bench-press mount Rushmore. Manga characters have no such substantiation in reason. They are, within the context of the story, just normal people (most of the time). And, even if they do epitomize physical accomplishment, there's no excuse for them to be on par with Krypton's last son. Or even a teenager who was bitten by a radioactive spider (Was it still a radioactive Spider? Really? Marvel hasn't bothered to retcon that yet?).

With the ill-defined exploits of miraculously powerful Japanese people who inexplicably shout out the “Names” of their attacks (Nothing ever so boring as “Hook Punch!!” though. It's always something that has to do with Dragons or Shining light or something)...well, they seem to be the most irritating. That said, I don't read enough Manga or watch enough Anime to offer up any criticism that maintains any sort of validity. Not that that stops me from commenting on the most blatant stereotypes. I'm inclined toward American television and movies, however. Yes, they are, without question, nearly as offensive to a Martial Arts snob like myself. I suppose that it would be best to focus on things that I have actual knowledge of.

More “Americanized” martial artists have been embarrassing themselves for as long as the genre has been around. Guys like Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme have done their best to make Bruce Lee turn in his grave. When an entire genre (yes, “Martial Arts” is a genre) has been degraded to the same old stereotypes and cliches and direct-to-DVD releases...well, that's when you start to wonder if it's a dying breed. Of course, it's always only during the most turbulent times that the savior will appear; Tony Jaa looks to be breathing new life into Martial Arts. An amazing acrobat and athlete in himself and bred to be a “Jackie Chan star” (we're talking Dragon Dynasty Jackie Chan, not Rush Hour Jackie Chan) who does all of his own stunts...most of which would put Mr. Chan in the hospital. The man is amazing. With Asian “Martial Arts” films being a mix of ridiculous gunplay and over-played acrobatics, Tony Jaa brings the medium back to it's roots. That is, I mean, a little Asian guy leaping into the air and smashing a fully grown man's nose in with his flying knee-kick.

And about technical fighting in movies and television where the singular purpose is not the Martial Arts themselves...well, I think that we'll be forever doomed to mediocre fight sequences meant to draw in the “testosterone” crowd that I mentioned earlier. Stunt doubles and wires are the foundation. Of course, one cannot expect every actor to be able to preform breath taking stunts. But they shouldn't have to. Some of my favorite fight scenes of all time were largely preformed by people with no real experience. In The Bourne trilogy, a bit of creative directing convinced me that Matt Damon could kick my ass. What, or course, is the best way to go about this?

Consequences. It's all about being as brutal as possible. No matter the medium, if Batman or Indiana Jones hits people without there being any real sort of visible damage, it really loses it's effect. When people seriously fight there are bruises, broken bones and and spilled blood. I'm not exactly asking for a Sin City level of gratuitous gore, but a to see more than a one-punch knock out, for once in my life, would bring me unparalleled joy (not that I have any sort of problem with Guy Ritchie's Snatch. To the contrary, actually.). Of course, overly stylized and poorly choreographed Kill Bill stuff bothers me just as much. I could probably write another article on what a joke female “Martial Artists” are in most western media. So, I think I might just do that, as I don't really have any desire to be labeled as a misogynist because I don't have the space to explain myself within the context of this piece.

One thing that always needs to be covered? The mechanics and workings of firearms. Ever since John Woo decided to descend up Asian cinema, the integration of high-kicks and handguns has become a stable of the quintessential Martial Arts film. Of course, most of these cop movies involve a healthy mix of Tae Kwon Do and bits of shrapnel from fragmentation grenades tearing through just about every body part imaginable; I have no qualms with this. I couldn't even complain about the “Storm Trooper syndrome” (having no real ability to aim your weapon). I don't even care about bullet-dodging (when it's in Equilibrium). It's inconsistent bullet-dodging that tends to drive me up a wall.

Just about every “Martial Arts Superhero” (The Bat-family, Iron Fist, Daredevil, Green Arrow, etc.) manage to avoid multiple ne'er-do-wells with AK-47's. It's nothing short of spectacular that none of them have taken a bullet to the head yet. I thought that the best sort of solution to this, as realistically, bullet dodging is impossible for humans, was introduced in Batman Begins. Making Batman into a Kevlar-clad ninja effectively eliminated the age-old “Why doesn't someone just shoot him?” question. I suggest that creators begin working toward similar solutions immidiately, figuring out something about each and every character that would more easily allow them to avoid having a .45 caliber round sitting cozily between their eyes.

There's a lot that could (and should) be touched on in regards to this, as writers and artists and actors and directors and...whoever else it is that tends to ignore Bruce Lee's most important teaching; Martial Arts should be realistic. And when they aren't, the least you can do is go out of your way to make sure that our suspension of disbelief isn't pushed too far. Make me believe that your character could kick my ass, and I'll be sold.

Young Avengers, part 1

Young Avengers Christmas comes late this year with the “Young Avengers Presents” miniseries. After hemorrhaging fans during a months-long hiatus full of broken promises and at least one canceled miniseries, the team is finally making a comeback. Although they haven’t all been solicited, it seems like each issue except for the Billy and Tommy issue will focus on a team member each. Each gets a fairly notorious Marvel writer and some fans have speculated that these issues are auditions for the authors--one of them might be writing the eventual Young Avengers "season two".

I think YAP will be a good seller and Young Avengers will be a strong series if it ever gets started again. Like I said, it’s been losing fans, but most of them would probably pick up the book if they saw it. Honestly, I don’t think it’s as good as some people think it is, but it’s still a quality book. I think it’s got too much soap opera for a book without great characterization, but maybe that’s because it never got the chance to move beyond setup. When season one of YA ended, they’d just finished the team and wrapped up the last major origin story arc.

Actually, that’s not true. Let me backtrack. Each of the team members (except Kate Bishop, better known as Girl Hawkeye) has a strong connection to the original Avengers and is like a young version of one of them. They also all have terrible codenames. Anyway, because of this, their origins are a big part of the story. With the end of season one, we know where all of the team members come from and what species they are.

Despite this, there’s still a lot for the book to go through. The origins of Vision, Billy and Tommy are rooted in the origins of previously existing Marvel heroes. They’re ridiculously convoluted and thick with retcons, continuity errors, and (let’s face it) some really, really stupid stories. A huge part of season two will be spent figuring out whether or not Billy and Tommy are imaginary or not.

Still, we know the basics about the team, and that’s what I’m going to go through. My goal is for this series of posts to be intelligible to someone who's only peripherally aware of what the Avengers are, but still be entertaining to someone who read all of Young Avenger’s appearances and remembers the first Secret Wars. I’m talking about my impressions of and hopes for each character, in whatever order I feel like. The posts will be divided so that they’re no more than two and a bit pages long in Word, so I don’t know how many posts I’ll make.

Let’s start with Hulkling (see what I mean about the names?).

Theodore Altman. Half-Kree, half-Skrull, default shape human, shapeshifting, quick healing, super strength. A few decades back, Marvel had a big event called the Kree-Skrull war. The Skrulls are a race of shapeshifting warriors with a huge empire who’ve picked on Earth a few times. They go way back to the one of the first Fantastic Four issues. Most Skrulls are just faceless legions of soldiers who can be butchered in fancy splash pages because they can grow pretty much anything back, but a few are actually given personalities.

The Kree have super-strength and look like humans, but sometimes they’ve got different color skin. They hate the Skrulls. If you’re a hardcore nerd, that summary made you twitch, but if you’re not, that’s all you need to know about the species.

Anyway, during this war, Skrull princess Anelle and Kree warrior Captain Marvel had a one-night stand, resulting in Teddy. Captain Marvel was an Earth superhero and considered it his adopted home. He was a great man who tragically died of cancer in a fantastic trade paperback that I recommend to everyone. Unfortunately, modern Marvel decided to crap on this by bringing him back in a stupid one-shot, having nobody react to his reappearance, and then not doing anything with him for months. I recall seeing a quote from one of the writers claiming that they couldn’t have been expected to write an epic story about life and death in a one-shot. They shouldn’t have written the damn thing at all.

During a recent “cosmic Marvel” event called Annihilation, the Skrull empire was apparently torn to pieces and has retreated to Earth in a last-ditch effort to take it over. This is called Secret Invasion. I, personally, know it as “yet another excuse to have splash pages masquerading as fight scenes and have a bunch of heroes act like irrational jackasses and fight each other instead of villains.” Don’t worry, there will be no lasting repercussions whatsoever, so you don’t need to know anything about it. Anyway, this all takes place after the story arc I’m about to describe.

At the end of the Young Avengers arc where Teddy found out about all this, the Kree and the Skrull were fighting over him because he could be an heir to both empires and end the conflict forever. There was an agreement that he would leave Earth and spend half a year with the Kree and half a year with the Skrulls. For a few pages, it seems like he did, but it was revealed to be the Super Skrull in disguise (ordinary Skrull with Fantastic Four powers and hypno-eyes). I think the Super Skrull dropped the charade in Annihilation because he had bigger things to worry about.

I doubt the Skrull are still a big enough threat for the Kree to be concerned over, so there’ll be no more huge battles over him. The Skrulls are also too ragtag to risk asking Teddy for help, since he’d probably blow the whistle on their stealth operation. Teddy was raised as a human by one of the servants of Anelle, who took him to Earth as a baby and was his mother—he has no reason to betray humanity. On the other hand, the Skrulls might consider him an ally, since he helped the Super Skrull gain such a delicate position, even after the Super Skrull killed his mother.

I’m not kidding. The Super Skrull set his damn mother on fire and she burned to death in front of him. Then he kidnapped Teddy to be dragged off to become Emperor of the Skrulls. Previously, he’d kidnapped another member of the Young Avengers and threatened to kill him. I don’t have a problem with Teddy setting him up in the super-sweet spy position because he’s a kid who probably has no concept of “cosmic”. He did it to save his own skin and it was a pretty clever solution. Even so, he had a nice long conversation earlier with the Super Skrull that was actually civil. I have no idea what the hell his deal is! The last arc was almost entire about him, but Teddy doesn’t have enough depth or internal conflicts. A teenage boy who helped out the man that killed his mom must have a pretty rich internal life

His issue in YAP will be about him meeting the recently resurrected Captain Marvel. I think it’s a good idea. It's a chance for both of them to get some time in the spotlight and for someone to develop their personalities and how Captain Marvel feels about being displaced in time (this is how his cheap cop-out resurrection was done: by making it not really a resurrection).

Another thing… Teddy and Billy, another teammate, are in a gay relationship. I’ll get to that when I get to Billy so you can judge the situation as a whole. I will say right now that I support gay rights and I have no problem with homosexual relationships existing in comics.

I hope that this wasn't too long and incoherent for you. I tend to get like this when I'm talking about comics.

Who is J.J. Abrams?

I’m sure all of you have heard of J.J. Abrams by now, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few years (ugh, cliché). He wrote Armageddon, that movie about the asteroid with Bruce Willis directed by Michael Bay. He created the TV series Felicity, about a girl in college named… Felicity. He then created the TV series Alias, about a young woman who is a spy. But the thing that he’s most well known for… and the thing he’s probably done the least for… is the show that everyone knows.

LOST.

A bunch of survivors on a plane flight from Sydney to Los Angeles crash land on a mysterious island. Everyone knows what Lost is. When people think of J. J. Abrams, they think of Lost. But why?

I believe the idea of a TV show set on an island about survivors of a plane crash was conceived by a guy named Jeffrey Lieber. But, as you can assume, it’s not really that original or an interesting idea. So the guys at ABC contacted J.J. Abrams (of Armageddon, Felicity and Alias fame) and got his input on the idea. He explained how he wanted the island to be mysterious and a character in itself… but he didn’t want to write it himself.

So they got him a co-writer. This is where Damon Lindelof comes in.

The two met, and wrote an outline for a TV show called Lost… and television history was made. The outline was approved, the two wrote a script, and then Abrams directed the pilot. The show was picked up and become a commercial and cult success.

After that, Abrams disappeared. He didn’t write or direct anymore episodes. As far as I can tell, the only thing he’s done has plot the third season premiere and “executive produce,” which all I know about is just sitting around and receiving money for nothing. If anyone should be credited with the success of Lost, it should be Lindelof.

Due to the success of Lost (and to a certain extent, Alias), Abrams was noticed by Tom Cruise, who saw the first season of Alias, and decided he wanted Abrams to direct the third instalment of Mission Impossible III, which turned out to be a pretty big success.

After this, Abrams went on to “executive produce” a couple of shows (probably buying expensive things and going on exotic holidays with all the money he was making). He guest directed an episode of The Office (US version) and then produced one of the most mysterious movies ever created… Cloverfield.

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the mysterious trailer that premiered in front of the Transformers movie (directed by Abrams’s old friend, Michael Bay). It’s the one with the people at the party, then there’s an explosion and you hear a giant monster roar and everyone panics. And then the Statue of Liberty’s head crashes down through the streets and the words “From Producer J.J. Abrams” pops up along with a date.

Everyone on the internet was wondering what it was. Eventually the title “Cloverfield” was leaked, and a massive game erupted across the internet with fans trying to figure out what the movie was about, how all the tie-in sites tied in… it was crazy. And all because J.J. Abrams’s name was attached.

The movie is actually written by Drew Goddard. It is directed by Matt Reeves. The only thing Abrams has contributed is the idea of a monster attacking New York City (a very original idea) but viewed through the eyes of people on the street (this is actually quite unique). The problem is… it is Abrams’s Cloverfield. It’s not Goddard’s Cloverfield. Or even Reeves’s Cloverfield. Abrams gets all the credit, and yet he’s only a producer… once more.

Currently, Abrams is directed the new Star Trek movie, due Christmas Day. He’s also creating a new TV series called Fringe. I have no doubt he’ll probably only write or direct the pilot episode and then become “Executive Producer” if it continues. After Star Trek, he is supposedly attached to an “Untitled Hunter Scott Project” and has shown interest in a series of Dark Tower film adaptions, based on the popular series by Stephen King. Apparently Abrams bought the rights to make a Dark Tower movie from King for $19 (a number of some import, King would say). Lindelof is supposedly the most likely candidate to be writing the screenplay (which is probably a good thing, as Lindelof is a big King fan and has packed in many references to his work in Lost).

Abrams has become incredibly popular. Some think he’s going to be the next Spielberg. Others think he’s just a hack. Either way, expect more big things from this man in the years to come.

Who is J.J. Abrams? Right now, he is money.

P.S. Also, just in case Mr. Abrams (awesome) or one of his crazy fans (slightly less than awesome) one day finds their way across this blog… I don’t actually hate you. I’m really a big fan. I just find it strange that you seem to have so many projects going on at once, and seem to jump from one to the next… but then again, that means we have more Abrams-related projects coming out constantly, which is a good thing!

Okay. That’s the end of my sucking up.